Breathe Easy
by EmeraldGem
Summary: What If" has different consequences than expected...(Summary Inside)


**Breathe Easy**  
  
Summary: A few moth after "What If..." Harm's deliberations have led him to doubt the future he thought possible for him...and at that point Mac finally tells him how she really feels...A year later Harm looks backs on what happened since then and finally takes destiny into his own hands.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own JAG and I won't be making any profit with this, seriously. Don't sue. That would be greatly appreciated. "Breathe Easy" is by Blue taken from their album "Guilty"  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Parings: M/OC, H/M  
  
Spoiler: " What If..."  
  
A/N: This is highly experimental! I know that I am walking a fine line with this fic. Well, the story got started when I was listening to the song today. It is simply playing everywhere right now. I was toying with the idea of what would happen if the events of "What If..." led to a different future; didn't provide the base for a happy ending right away. Here is what I thought might happen. Please, don't hate me for the harsh potrayal of Harm in this story. I can assure you that I really like him. In fact he is my favorite character. And...there will be a HE. There are a few things that one needs to take for granted in order for the story to make sense. It takes place in the future. Mattie is already gone by the time this is all going on and the "Baby Promise" has become null and void as a result of what happened. Other than that, I am responsible for all errors, since no one has beta read this yet. Please let me know what you think...if you all hate it I'll take it back down. Have fun!  
  
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_"Cruel to the eye...I see the way he makes you smile_

_Cruel to the eye...Watching him hold what used to be mine..."  
_  
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She was dancing with him. They were gliding across the ballroom of the hotel with fluid, graceful movements, lost in each others eyes. He was holding her in his stong arms, not too tight, but close enough to show everyone who might be watching that she belonged to him.  
  
Mac looked beautiful tonight. She was wearing a stunning deep red evening gown of raw silk that made her tanned skin glow. The soft light from the crystal chandeliers brought out warm hightlights in her hair and set off radiant sparks from the classic diamont engagement ring on her hand. She was smiling at the tall, handsome man who was guiding her across the dancefloor, whispering something in his ear that made him chuckle.  
  
From a dark corner of the grand ballroom Harm was watching the couple, never taking his eyes away from the woman who had been his partner for nine years, his best friend and almost that much more. Seeing her like this tonight painfully reminded him of the fact that he could be the one dancing with her, holding her in his arms through the night.  
  
He finished his whisky, again glancing over to Mac. She was still dancing totally oblivious to what was happening around her.  
  
Involuntarily, Harm's thoughts returned to the night a year ago that had changed everything, the night he had broken Mac's heart and thrown away his future.  
  
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_"Why did I lie?_

_What did I walk away to find?"  
_  
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I had been a cold winter night almost fourteen months ago. Washington hab been covered by a deep blanket of snow, but the nights had been bright, a million stars visible in the sky.  
  
Harm had taken Mac to dinner. He hadn't intended to make it a date. They had talked about a recnet case and later Mac had asked him to come to her aparment for one last drink. She had offered him a beer and he had been surprised that, as a recovering alcoholic, she had beer in her fridge. Smiling, sipping on her tonic water, she had told him that she got it from her neighbor.  
  
They sat down on opposite ends of the couch, but then Mac suddenly turned to Harm.  
  
"Do you remember when we all went out for dinner to celebrate Jen's promotion a few months ago?"  
  
"Sure. Why are you asking?" Harm looked at Mac a little puzzled.  
  
"What did your fortune say?" Mac asked, looking directly into his eyes. "Don't tell me" she continued not even giving Harm a chance to answer. "It was about the road not taken", she said with a sigh. "You know Harm, I have been thinking and I came to realize that I need to tell you something that I should have told you a long time ago..."  
  
"Mac, I...", Harm started, but she interrupted him.  
  
"No, I want you to hear me out!"  
  
She moved closer to him on the couch.  
  
"Harm. I love you. No, don't say anything. Let me finish. I have been in love with you this whole time and I never admitted it to myself. I was afraid, but after that night, I never quite though about us the same way. I always thought about what could have been and I wanted those things to be true. I want to be with you!"  
  
There was a long pause before Harm answered her.  
  
So much was racing through his mind that he was trying to make sense of. He couldn't really put into words what he felt. Of course, he had also been thinking and he had made up his mind.  
  
He loved her, but he couldn't tell her that. He wanted her to be happy, be he would never be able to make her truly happy. He was afraid that if he admitted that he loved her, he would sooner or later hurt her as well. He felt he wasn't good enough for her. Mac deserved someone who could give her the life she wanted, who would be there for her, who would make her feel safe. Harm thought that he couldn't live up to her expectations, couldn't be there for her at all times. He hadn't been able to protect Jordan, hadn't been there for her when she had needed him. He would not let that happen again. It would be better to end this now than to break her heart into pieces later on. She was a fighter, strong enough to get over it now. He wasn't. Still, he couldn't tell her the truth; she wouldn't understand.  
  
"Mac, I can't. I have been thinking too and for a while I thought things might work out. Please don't hate me for saying this, but I don't feel the same way. We are friends you're like a sister to me, but a relationship would have no future. It would not survive our work at JAG and I came to realize that a while ago. This is not what you want either, Mac. Believe me."  
  
Mac had stared at him incredulously. Tears ha begun to stream down her face. She had grabbed her keys and her coat and left without a word.  
  
Harm wrote her a note, saying that he was sorry. He was gone long before Mac returned.  
  
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_"Curse me inside...for every word that cause you to cry_

_Curse me inside... I don't know why...I left the one I was looking to find"  
_  
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Suddenly, Harm was brought back to reality by the barkeeper who asked him if he wanted another drink. Slowly shaking his head, he declined, knowing that even alcohol wasn't able to scare away the demons that haunted him since that night. He paid the bill and left the hotel without saying goodbye.  
  
He waited in the lobby while the valet got his car. Outside the rain was pouring and a cold, angry wind swept over the city. The weather resembled Harm's mood.  
  
After that night Hamrm and Mac hadn't talked for days. Then, without ever mentioning it again, Mac had started acting like nothing ever happened and Harm had gladly played along without objections. Still, working together each and every day had become difficult. They didn't fully trust each other anymore. Then Mac had met Jack Taylor, a young and wealthy politician currently working as head-of-staff for an influential Senator and they had gotten engaged soon after. As a result Harm and her had steadily grown apart even further, something that nobody at JAG ever thought possible. Now, they were leading completely different lives.  
  
"People change and nothing stays the same", Harm thought while driving through the empty streets of Washington. Once again, he was contemplating his plans for the future. It seemed that there was only one opportunity for him, so that he and Mac could both get on with their lives without the painful memories and thoughts of what might have been.  
  
When Harm finally reached the Vietnam Memorial it had stopped raining. The cloud cover had lifted to reveal a bright and starry sky and a perfect full moon. He was alone, nobody else was at the memorial at this hour. That was what he had hoped for. He wanted some time alone so he could come to a final decision.  
  
Harm walked over to one of the benches and sat down. One last time he went through all alternatives, but none seemed to end the situation as effectively as what he had planned. He pulled a pen and a piece of paper from his pocket and began writing a letter to the one person who mattered. He had the obligation to explain his reasons to her.  
  
_-Mac-_

_ I was a fool. A year ago I told you that I didn't love you, but I lied. You mean more to me than anything else in the world. I have always loved you; I was just afraid to admit it, thinking that I didn't deserve someone like you, that I wouldn't be able to make you happy and to keep you safe. I never wanted you to get hurt, so I lied, but now, I have realised that I made the biggest mistake in my life. I let you go. As much as I want to, I can't change the past. Today, I saw you with Jack and saw how happy you looked. This is what I want for you: To be happy. I am sorry for what I have said and for the pain I have caused you. I won't happen again. I have asked for a transfer to the West Coast and my request was granted. I will be leaving Washington in a week from today. It will be easier for you this way, at least that is what I hope. I will always love you... _

_-Harm-  
_  
When he walked back to his car it started raining again.  
  
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_"Out of my mind...nothing makes sense anymore_

_I want you back in my life... That's all I'm breathing for"  
_  
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The storm had returned with even more force than before. Raindrops were drumming against the windows of Harm's car, almost louder than the music on the radio and thunder was rolling in the distance. Sometimes it seemed to Harm that Washington never slept, but tonight the streets were deserted. No one but him was braving the elements.  
  
He reached Mac's neighborhood in Georgetown earlier than he had thought. Her windows were dark, the curtains drawn. She hadn't returned home yet or she was spending the night with Jack. Quickly, Harm shook those thoughts from his mind. It was too late. He didn't have the right to be jealous, he reminded himself. He parked the car about a block away, hesitating only briefly before he got out into the pouring rain. He flipped up the collar of his coat and walked towards the apartment; his eyes cast downwards.  
  
Taking a deep breath he climbed the few steps to the front door of the building, only to find it unlocked. Quietly, he pushed the door open and walked towards Mac's apartment without turning on the light in the hall. Lightning illuminated the long hallway and the thick carpet muffled his steps. At Mac's door he knelt down and slid the folded note under her door. Harm hoped that she would find it alone and that after reading it, would unserstand. He left the building as quietly as he had entered, relieved that he didn't run into any of the neighbors. It would have been hard to explain his actions.  
  
On the way back to his apartment he tried not to think about Mac, but soon Harm realised that it wasn't possible. Images of her flashed before his eyes and her voice sounded in his head. He missed her already, had in fact missed the Mac he had known for so long ever since their relationship had fallen apart. Harm wondered if almost 3000 miles between them would make any kind of difference, whether it would make him feel better or worse. Did time really heal all wounds?  
  
When he got home, he resumed packing, knowing that he wouldn't be able to sleep anyway. And if he did sleep, there would only be nightmares waiting for him.  
  
Slowly, while the storm continued raging outside, the hours wore on and the night finally gave way to a new morning. At dawn, just as the first rays of sunshine fell into the livingroom, there was a knock on the door.  
  
Harm opened the door and for the first time in over a year, he started to smile. He opened his arms and as time seemed to stand still, past, present and future melted into one moment and simultaneously echoed into the silence as three little words...  
  
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_"Cause I can't breathe easy... _

_Can't sleep at night...till you're by my side_

_No, I can't breathe easy... _

_I can't dream yet another dream...without you lying next to me..._

_There's no air...There's no air..."  
_  
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**-Fin-**


End file.
